WHAT CAN I REALLY SAY...JUST WATCH IT

Gravity was not prepared or evolved enough for this

My First Real Prayer

Thankyou Jesus

SICK DAY and DAVE

Well im sick like a leper today, and inbetween dizzy spells and dry heaving I thought it time to actually learn the correct version of one of my favourite songs to play, Tripping billies. I'm almost there with the new way to play the verse, but my heads alittle fuzzy and mistakes will happen.

Either way I thought i'd post it up just for fun...Now just to learn the right way to play it.

No singing with this one, my cam mic sucks too much to pick guitar and vocals...so just instumental.

Later Fellow Assholes

I've Seen the Devil and This is Him

Even scarier is this thing will multiply.

Mr. Heroic, or Little Miss Scream Queen?

Today is a shamefull day, oh so Shamefull. So the day begins at 5:30 am after a well rested sleep. Awake, Alive and alert I felt this morning. The sun was just starting to rise over the roof top just outside my bedroom window. I decided to get up make a coffee and do alittle laundry.

After putting my Wash in the dryer I sat down to watch a little TV while I had my first coffee of the day. Relaxed and Rested I thought it time to Get ready for work. I enter into the bathroom and brush my teeth, and while brushing my teeth I look at my wild out of control side burns and make a decision that they must go. Before starting the shaving process I thought I would kill two birds with one stone and take a swig of icy cool mouth wash.

The shaver now running full speed with the beard trimmer attachment extended and a mouth full of mouth wash I quickly shave off the first wild and out of controll side burn.

And that's when it happend.............

WHAMMMM A spider drops down right over top of my head In the Mirror. I'm panic stricken and immediatly beging stumbling Backwards away from the Devil. Not knowing what to do I throw my shaver at him as I'm tumbling backwards right into the tub. BANG, THUMP. I land on my back in the cold tub, but never taking my eye of the enemy.

The Devil still dangling from his demon rope about 5 feet of the ground right in the middle of the little room and between me and my exit. Almost paralized with fear I realize i have to make a quick decision if i'm to escape this horrible situation alive. So I slink over the side of the tub like a snake and crawl across the floor on my stomach right out the bathroom door

ESCAPED, I get up and run to the kitchen to spit out the Now burning mouth was into the sink. My heart is racing 100 miles an hour (proby trying to get away from the devil and his demon rope) I think to myself, "I can't leave the house with one side burn shaved? can I?". No of course I can't. I grab a news paper and very carefully and pathetically baby step my way back towards the washroom door.

I peer around the corner with the news paper cocked ready for action. But there's nothing. My eyes slowly raise up to see El Diablo back on the ceiling waiting, waiting for me to come back in so he can jump in for the kill. I take a big breath and use all my courage to jump up and hit him with the news paper. WACK!! he falls down still attached to his demon rope, wiggling enough for me to know he's still alive. I never should have expected the devil to die that quickly. So I take another brave, forcefull swing at him like a pinata and SMACK he goes flying...........But where? where did he land? is he dead? or worse.............. is he on me some where?

Just wanting out of my house right now i lean in the bathroom grab the shaver and quickly shave the other side burn off. Dropping the shaver I run to my room grab my bag, heart still beating like a race horse (or a coward) I make my way out the door.

I can still picture him, screaming as he jumps in for the attack. Alll eight legs extended exposing his venemous fangs as I hear his death squeal....Or maybe his friends were up in the corner watching as he say's, "hey guys, I can smell the fear on this sissy dick...Watch as I make him cower before me."

Well to you spider I say, HA HA HA...Very funny. You win..if that's what you want to hear then fine. I'll repeat myself...YOU WIN.

I think i'm going to go tuck my dick between my legs now and cry until about lunch hour.

SNIFF

THE DRUNKEN PORN REVIEW

So I've been watching alot of porn again lately...ahhahah not that i ever stopped...but let's just say i've been downloading alot more porn then usual. As opposed to just going on the www.thehun.com for my daily dose of the dirty's. Lately i've come acustomed to the full lenght porno. scene after scene of fantasticly naked women doing things i can only dream about.

But lately something has been really bothering me. Something that has been making me skip entire sequences and even lose my ever precious erection. ANAL SEX...I don't care if you Gay, Straight or BI. That is just dirty and it dosen't work for me. I don't want to see a guy ram is heavy meat into the ass of a so called 30 year old teenager. Not when there is a perfectly readily available vagina right in front of you. Why fuck the pork chop when you can have the steak.???? I dont know do you??

I don't care how much you clean, stuff still hangs onto the walls. Unless your mister dress up going up that ass with a set of pipe cleaners i guarantee that there is still some shit hanging on. So don't tell me you cleaned..I bet if Nanny 911 went into your ass she would find a mess.

So i guess what i'm saying is, Please for the love of my holy load porn industry...have a disclaimer telling me that my b0nner will be wasted on hard core anal sex before i Pirate porno from the internet.

I must go satisfy my self now.

if there are more spelling mistakes then normal, it's because i'm drunk at 8 pm on a sunday....yeah yeah yeah i have a problem...

If you haven't figured that out yet then your an idiot.

SQUIRT GUN'S and STRIPPERS

Some time ago.. Let's call it 1999 maybe in the month of June. I find my self in the capital of the great land we call Canada. I'm in Ottawa with my animation class for the international animation festival. Surrounded by artist of all walks of life, the visual history of our great country Is engulfing me with every breath and every sight.

Surrounded by culture and Art Myself and 24 other classmates decide the only thing we can do is hit up some of the local strip bars and really soaked in some culture. Within the hour we find ourselves at a local strip club...Fucking Culture wall to wall..big titted culture, little titted culture...short culture, tall culture....Even a few culture enthusiest that like inserting things into them selves...God bless exhibisionishts.

When suddenly A stripper comes out on stage wearing a very cute cowboy hat, assless chaps and a nice little frilly top with a bag in her hands. She immediatly say's she needs 5 voluteers to come up and sit in Pervey row. After making quite the scene i get picked as one of the lucky volunteers to sit and bask in perverted glory with 4 other complete strangers.

CowLady opens the bag and hands each one of us drunken cassanovas a super soaker squirt gun. So many things run through my head as she begins to dance and I watch these 4 fools shooting this unfortunate human being with what i hope was water.

After a minute of watching and wondering Cowlady stands with her back to us, bends over and grabs her ankles. The only thing you can see now is her asshole and cunt in our faces. So the Drunken quartet beging laughing and shooting her in the pussy. All I could think about at this moment was, what exactly when wrong in her life where she's standing on stage infront of 4 strangers getting shot in the asshole and cunt with super soakers. That's when i realized that I cannot shoot her in the privates, My mother would be so ashamed. So i look down at her Knees and stare into her depressing face and line up my sights, waiting, waiting patiently, Then it happened. She opened her eye's and WHAM i start pelting her in the eyes with my super soaker. She let's go of her ankles and falls over hidding her face from the onslaught of super soaker fire.

The entire bar erupts in laughter, everyone from the drunken old men to the 300Lbs bouncer standing at the door. Everyone but the cowLady that is. She wasn't too impressed, maybe due to the insane laughter, I don't know, all i know is she wasn't impressed.

Now sitting alittle further back on the stage with her legs spread and her head arched back pointing her tit's into the air. The 4 wonders continue to shoot her in the tit's and and cunny. (im sure these morons were giving each other high 5's with each successful shot to the box or tit). I once again sit patiently like a stone, waiting for the perfect shot. When suddenly cowLady rolls her head around and opens up her eyes.

BLAM WHAM BLAMMMmmm...Shot again in the face. Immediatly she rolls over onto her side covering her face from my deadly aim . LOL ...Deadly aim...hahah. The entire bar errupts in laughter while the deadly 4some continues to try and shoot her in what ever glimps of the strippers privates they can see on her defensive crumpled posture.

That's when i feel the tight grip on my shoulder, I look up and it the huge bouncer trynig not to laugh and he tells me if i do it again i'm gonna have to leave. He then chuckles and walks away. Far from the worst threat i've ever gotten in my life.

Feeling alittle let down thinking to myself, "This gowLady would rather be shot in the pussy, tit's and ass then in the face by complete strangers." I said fuck it. I stood up and starting off loading the remainder of water all over her. She starts running around the stage trying to avoid the line of fire when the bar explodes laughing. Suddenly i'm lifted right out of my seat into the air being moved towards the door. The bouncer hiding his face so the stripper dosen't she him laughing, even though you could see his whole chest shaking with laughter.

Dropped at the entrance i head down the stairs feeling like I was the winner in that battle when i hear, "HEY YOU!" I turn around and it's the bouncer chasing me down the street looking for the water gun back. HAHAHAH a 3 dollar water gun and she can't afford another one.. I don't know maybe it was going to hold some setimental value for her.

Stripper 0,

JonVon 1,

We will meet again.

MISSING OUT

FROM TOUCHING MYSELF

So there's a new problem in my life. Something that's been plaguing me since the start of the warm, muggy season. Each night or morning sometimes a couple times in the afternoon I enjoy alittle....uummm..let's call it Masturbating. And I don't mean a little jerk here or there. A quick little tug 'O' fun. I go to town. I take my time, finding something interesting to watch. but not anything, i will search and search until I find exactly what it is that's going to get me to that place I wanna be in my sexual minds eye.

Now for the problem. Since i like taking my time and enjoying the experience I've been noticing alittle more sweat then normal due to the Extreme Temperature and Muggyness. The problem being I get so heat exhausted that I feel like I can't continue, so i have to keep stopping for a second here and a second there. I feel the exhaustion building with each stroke, I know I only have a certain amount of time before my body gives out and i have to start over. So I feveriously start hammering my way through the TV channels, searching, hunting for that one image, that one booty shake in a rap video that will put me over the top and make me explode...BUT...I don't...Exhaustion takes over, LeatherFace (my penis) softens and I know all to well, that I now have to start over again.

Feeling defeated laying in my own pool of sweat, I throw a fit punching and kicking the bed like a child.. Now laying there, Semi-hard penis in hand, covered in sweat staring at the cigarette stained ceiling, I think of way's to solve this problem.

Do I do it in the cold shower everytime??? NO that's too much effort.

Do I do it infront an open window hoping for a breeze?? NO, Children and old people might see. or i would lose my balance and fall over.

I know...I do it in front of the sink. One hand on leatherface and the other under the running cold water. This way i can splash Cold water on my face while never losing the all important stoke needed for success..

I think I have a plan. I'm glad I got to talk this out.

Well got me some things to try tonight...Gotta go.

ACCIDENTS HAPPEN

Once upon A time There was a Beautiful Princess, And her Handsome Prince. They Were Happy Together Spending all there Free Time frolicking and Dancing, eating wild boars and staring longingly into each others eyes.....Then, He Head Butt the Beast.

One thing i've learned people through my various sexual exploits Is that Head butting a girl in the nose as fore play sometimes get's the job done. This is my favorite Sexual encounter story....I would like people to note that it's not my favorite Sexual experience..But it's defiantly one of the funniest sexual stories I have. There Is NOTHING SEXY or EROTIC about this.

Week after week the same girl (who will remain nameless) would drive my and everybody else home from the bar, conviently dropping me off last every night. Dropping me off last and trying to make some advances on me. Though I was having Nothing to do with this fluxuating fatty...Until...LOL one night I just happened to be drunk enough. Sure I could have just stop taking rides with her..Stopped talking to her...But in my broken drunken Mind, I was sure that if i fucked her good and hard that would be the end of it....We'll I was wrong...So so so wrong...*sniff* *tear*

So I find my self in my mothers basement(classy i know), drunk Sitting on the couch of dirty secrets, staring drunkenly up at this wollap of a woman hovering over me with a crazed sex look that warrants drool. The little voice in my head Saying, "Just do it, get it over with, it won't be that bad." when my thoughts are instantly interrupted and pinned down by the now shirtless, slobbering Beauty perched ontop of my lap.

ENTER THE HALARITY.

She immediatly stands up and reaches down and grabs a hold of my shirt to pull it off of me.. (Because thats what i was really looking forward to..SKIN ON SKIN action) But myself being drunk and not really knowing what Was going on thought she wanted me to stand. Though why stand when you can jump up as fast as you can. So I jump up as fast as a drunken frightened skinny boy can and then it happened......*WHAAMMMMM* The top of my head smashes into her down ward looking face...Not just the face, but the nose and mouth. Instantly wrapping her hands around her face she falls to the couch making noises reminiscent of a whale and cattle Opera. MMMMUUUUWWWWWWAAAAHHHHH....MMMMUUUUUWWWAAAAHHhhh.

At a loss for words staggering left and right semi shirtless, I do the one thing that felt right..Instantly begin to Laugh. Staring at her, giggling like a drunk clown at an elementary school fuction, she pulls her hands away from her nose and mouth and mumbles, "is it ok?"

BLOOD EVERYWHERE....That's what i see. Running down across her newly fattened lip arcoss her chin and dripping on her Tits. Now if that's not Comedy then I don't know what is. So I don't say anything and just begin laughing again. Harder and louder until she said, "can you get me something to clean this up.!!"

I work my way down the hall and retrieve a roll of paper towel...(no soft moisturized kleenex here) Standing in the bathroom door i throw it at her. HAHAHA why i threw it I don't know...But HAHAHA. A good 20 minutes go by while the Fluxuating shirtless Fatty get's control of the blood faucet on her face. Laughter still continues from my end making the situation barable for her i'm sure.

The floor now covered in Bloody paper towel The shirtless wonder looks to me with only a fat lip to remind me of the whollap i gave her and says as she begins rubbing her tits and cunny, " are you ready?"

HAHAHAHAHA...Not sure what to do with all the possible implications running through my head...I come to the only noble thing i can think of.

I fucked her.

And i will never regret it.

Jonvon Long Dong strikes again.

SPEAKING THE TRUTH IS A CRIME??

So Mr. Mel Gibson, Detective Martin Riggs, William Wallace, 'Mad' Max Rockatansky, And now Anti-Semitic?? I'm not to sure on this new casting call for Mr. Gibson, Racist to the stars, bigot what ever you want to call it.

The only thing I see wrong with the drunken Statement is the reaction from the mass's, when they finally hear someone speak the truth about the state of the world.

I'm sure Booze pushed him over the edge a bit, definatly clouded his Judgement, maybe even pushed that extra little bit of hate into his words. But it still comes down to the fact that he was speaking his mind, saying what I think is hard to argue to argue against, "MOST OF THE WARS IN THE WORLD ARE CAUSED BY THE JEWS" Maybe not directly but they've always been involved in one way or another. From the Time of the Egyptians, through the Crusades, right up to our recent little Skirmish in lebanon.

The Name Jerusalem which means "City of Peace" seems pretty Ironic Given the state of the city ever since recorded history. No other Country or City has ever seen this much war. It's Disgusting to think About that all this killing, all these dead mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles and children is all over religion. All over a "GOD" that "LOVES EVERYONE" Well there God dosen't seem to love the innocent women and children that Are rocked ona daily basis by RPG's mortar fire and the rumbling of tanks through there city street.

I'll tell you what I would like to see. I would like to see a Priest or Minsiter or the Mother fucking Pope himself walk down the streets of war torn Lebanon or Israel picking up pieces of dead children and tell me if he found God under any of them.

Any person who is Ignorant enough to worship a God that permotes Such Savage acts Deserves to Die. Screw you and your God....Actually god..(he dosen't deserve my caps) The only Race or nationality that will ever truly find god will be the winner of this religious war. (if that happens)..But it won't be because the deserve it, it will be a default decision due to the fact that there the last people standing.

Apparenty the 10 commandments were only ment for none muslim and Jewish Extreamist.

So yes I support Mr. Gibson in his voiced opinion, I will actually take that a step further and say I support and agree with him. It took alot of booze and a DUI but the truth is finally out. Thankyou mister Gibson.

I've also found a really entertaining south Park Mel Gibson parody I like... Nothing to really do with this..But it's fucking Halarious..

Thank you world for reminding me once again about all the things i hate about Organized Religion.